i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
