"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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