I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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