It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
