I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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