My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
