its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
