I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
