i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
