I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
