Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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