Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
