He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
