Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
