Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
