Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
