i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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