Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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