and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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