That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
