I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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