I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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