please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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