please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
