I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You can't motorboat a personality
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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