If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
