that's an acceptable place to lick
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
