Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
