Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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