You're earring is so big in my mouth
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
