He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
