I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
