My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
