saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
