so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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