the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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