I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
