grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
