I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
