so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
