I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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