I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
