I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
