i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
