We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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