I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
