They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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