I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
