There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
