Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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