i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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