Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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