Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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