I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
